Anger gets a bad rap, but like a lot of things, that’s a matter of personal opinion. Me, I think of anger as different from more intrinsic feelings like sadness or joy. Instead, anger is more like a tool that has three primary functions:
- To “protect” us from “uncomfortable” emotions by pushing them outward.
In these situations, anger is an excellent source of feedback for me. It’s like, whenever someone does something that really sets me off, it’s usually a mirror for something I don’t like about myself. Where am I doing whatever it is that’s upsetting me about this other person? When I shift my focus to taking responsibility for my own actions, the anger tends to naturally dissipate.
Of course, this isn’t the only message that anger gives. Sometimes we’re afraid. Sometimes we’ve been hurt, and we think that means that we aren’t deserving of care. Sometimes we’re torn between what we think we should do versus what our hearts yearn for, and anger is a way to deflect guilt. All of these are examples of anger masking something else that we don’t want to feel.
- To intimidate others.
While sometimes anger is an authentic reaction (see above commentary re masking fear, hurt, etc.), sometimes it can be calculated. Getting angry can be an effective tactic when trying to get other people to do what you want them to. I’d caution against indiscriminate use, though, since it can easily spark unintended consequences.
Which leads us to:
- To motivate oneself to action.
This is probably the most helpful use of anger. Grief, depression, and despair are soul-sucking, and it can be hard to do anything when in the midst of them. Getting angry is a way to claw yourself out of that hole so you can do something.
If you do choose Anger as a tool, be strategic about it. Too many people become consumed by their anger, which is counter-productive. Try to aim it at situations instead of individual people. This can be tricky, but there are a few reasons for it. For one thing, it’s easier to change situations than to change people. For another, like I mention in #1 above, sometimes our psyche deflects things we don’t like about ourselves by making us see them in others. Therefore, condemning someone for qualities you don’t like in yourself can make you feel worse about yourself. That is not the goal.
Be mindful of the need for ebb and flow. For all that the Hulk might claim to always be angry, for the rest of us, it can be exhausting. Set aside time to watch kitten videos. Go for a walk and look at the sky. Listen to music that makes you want to dance. Be silly with friends. (Pro tip: memes are awesome. 😀)
Beyond the fight itself, remember all the things worth fighting for. Having said all this, it’s okay if you don’t want to use anger as a tool as well. We each have our own ways of doing things, so do whatever works for you.
Whatever your choices, make sure you drink plenty of water, and breathe.
You’ve got this.
❤️