I had a long, emotional conversation with my husband this morning. Yes, I know he’s been dead for two years; that’s beside the point. Trust me — I had plenty of arguments with my husband in my head while he was alive, too. 😁
But this one wasn’t an argument. This was about regret and remorse. I found myself dwelling on so many times when he’d come to me upset about something or other, and I hadn’t been able to truly support him. I’d allowed myself to be triggered such that my own insecurities would derail the conversation, or I’d tried to “fix” things so he wouldn’t be upset any more.
Those reactions weren’t what he needed. He needed someone to listen, to give him a safe space where he could explore what he was feeling. He needed someone to love him and have faith in his ability to work through things.
He just needed someone to care.
The good news is that, over the length of our relationship, I did learn how to be there for him. Especially near the end, I’d managed to deal with enough of my own Stuff that I could listen to him without judgment, surrounding him in love and a desire to know his experience, whatever that might be. It was beautiful, and I am so grateful we were able to open that door to each other.
And then he died.
I had so wanted to have more time rolling around in the yumminess of our strengthening partnership, having adventures together, but apparently that wasn’t in the cards for us — at least, not on this mortal coil. I’ve been trying to share what I’ve learned from my relationship with him to help others. In fact, that was the impetus behind my TEDx talk. Even though my husband’s experience wasn’t the same as the example I allude to there, he was the one who taught me that there is a reason why some people cling to a Victim Mentality, and that reason needs to be acknowledged if we want to help people move beyond it.
So why was it bothering me this morning? I can’t change what I did or didn’t do back then, and I’m already trying to help pay it forward.
Except…. I could do more.
Yes, I’ve grown and expanded my ability to be there for others, but I’ve also been allowing myself to get overwhelmed. I have strategies and tools to help me become more present in the moment, to mindfully grieve, to rev up my energy. The problem is that I haven’t been utilizing them as much I could. I’ve been getting lazy. Instead of breathing, going for a walk, or doing something creative, I’ve been reaching for my phone. I tell myself it’s okay to seek the cheap dopamine because I’m sad, but it’s distraction, not rejuvenation. It pulls me down, sucking my energy, disconnecting me from the world I supposedly live in. My dreams last night were about almost being able to contribute and help people, about being a little too late to actually help. Seems pretty obvious what the dreams were trying to tell me.
The reason I was upset about things I’d done years ago has nothing to do with my husband. It has to do with my kids. It’s about my ability to support my friends. It’s about the contribution that I could be making to the world if I stopped wallowing in old habits that get in the way of deeply engaging with Life.
I am so grateful for this awareness. I am grateful for my decision to journal this morning, to follow the feelings down to the lesson so that I can change how I act going forward. Does this mean that I’m never going to indulge in self-medication via chocolate again? No, it doesn’t — but it does mean that, as of now, I am picking myself up and striving to do better. I am committing to journaling more frequently to remind myself why my choices matter. I am committing to my daily walks, which help me reconnect with my body and with love. I am committing to putting down my dang phone so I can be more present in the here and now.
Life is a dance. I am grateful for my relationship with my husband for reminding me of my song.